For most children, pets are much more than just family-owned animals – they are part of the family and, in many cases, the very best of friends, just like a sibling. Losing their beloved friend through illness, old age or an accident can be extremely hard on a child and they may well need some help in coping with their loss. Here is how to deal with a grieving child after losing a pet.
When a Pet Dies
Frequently the first in line to greet children in the mornings and when they come home from school, family pets (and especially dogs) are a constant source of fun and games for them. Loyal and ever-ready to give and receive love, they are frequently also the ones children will ask for and go to for companionship and comfort when they are upset, ill or feeling unpopular.
Unfortunately, having such a devoted, fun-packed friend and all the joy that goes with it is intrinsically linked to the risk and heartbreak of losing that friend through an accident, illness or old age – and this can be extremely hard.
While it is neither possible nor recommended (see ‘Telling the Truth’ below) to shield children from the loss of their beloved pet, parents can help them to cope with it. If their pet’s passing is the first time a child experiences the loss of a loved one, the process of grieving for their friend can also help the child learn to cope better with future losses.
Sharing the Sad News
Breaking the sad news to children can be one of the hardest parts of losing a family pet. It is best do so one-to-one and somewhere where the child is not easily distracted and feels comfortable and safe. As with any difficult issue, parents should try to assess how much information to provide based on their child/children’s age, maturity and level of life experience.
If the pet has been ill for a long time or very old and has to be euthanised, it is worth considering talking to the child/children before it is time to do so and explaining to them that:
- The vet has done everything he/she could do
- Their pet would never get well again
- This is the only and kindest way of taking their pet’s pain away
- Their pet will pass away peacefully, without feeling scared or hurt
Here, too, a child’s age and maturity level, as well as any questions they may ask, will help parents decide whether to give a simple, clear explanation for what is about to happen. If so, it is alright to say ‘dying’, ‘death’ or something like “The vet will give (name of pet) an injection that will help him/her to relax and feel no pain first and then give him/her another injection that will stop his/her heart beating/take all his/her pain away (the choice of phrase here again depends on parents’ judgement on what is most appropriate for their child’s age).”
It is, however, important to be careful about using phrases like (name of pet) “went to sleep” or “was put to sleep”, as young children tend to take such things literally these phrases could either give them the impression that their pet will soon wake up again or conjure up frightening ideas about sleeping or anaesthesia and surgery.
Many children want the chance to say goodbye to their pet beforehand, and if they are old/emotionally mature enough, they may want to be there to comfort their beloved pet during the euthanising process – in which case giving them an informed choice (i.e. explaining to them what to expect during this process) is best.
If, on the other hand, the death of the pet is sudden (i.e. through an accident), it is best to calmly and briefly explain what happened and letting the child/children’s questions determine how much information to offer.
Telling the Truth
Trying to gloss the event over by telling children lies like “Fido ran away” or “Milly went to a farm” is a bad idea, because not only will this fail to alleviate the child/children’s sadness about losing their pet, it will most likely also make them very angry to find out that you lied to them if and when the truth eventually does come out.
If a child asks what will happen to their pet after it passes away, parents should draw on their own understanding – including, if applicable, their faith’s viewpoint – of death. As nobody knows for sure, a truthful “I don’t know” can certainly be a befitting answer – telling children that death is still a mystery to us all is OK.
How to Deal with a Grieving Child
Children, like anyone trying to cope with a loss, typically feel a diversity of emotions after a pet’s passing. In addition to sadness, they may experience anger (especially if their pet had to be euthanised), loneliness and/or frustration that their beloved friend couldn’t get better. They may also feel guilty about times when they didn’t take care of their pet as promised or were mean to it.
Parents should help their children understand that feeling these emotions is natural; that it is alright not to want to talk about them to begin with and that they (the parents) will be there when they (the children) feel ready to talk.
Parents should also not feel compelled to hide their own sadness about losing the family pet. Showing how they feel and openly talking about it will set a good example for children. They should show that feeling sad about losing someone you loved, crying when you are sad and talking about how you feel is OK.
Knowing that they are not alone in their sadness is comforting for children, and parents sharing stories about pets they had – and lost – when they were young and how difficult they found it to say ‘goodbye’ can also be very helpful.
Moving Forward
As the shock of hearing the bad news begins to fade, helping the child/children to heal and eventually move on is of utmost importance.
Finding special ways of remembering the pet can be especially helpful. Families could, for example:
- Have a special burial ceremony for the pet
- Share stories of times they had fun together
- Write a poem or prayer or make a drawing together
- Reflect on what the deceased pet meant to each member of the family
- Share memories of the pet’s funniest moments
- Do a project together (i.e. making a scrapbook, planting a tree)
Naturally, offering plenty of loving hugs and a shoulder to cry on whenever needed is a must. Talking about the pet – frequently and with love – is incredibly important, as is letting them know that while their pain will eventually go way, the happy memories they have of their pet will always be with them.
In time, the family may consider getting a new pet – not to replace the deceased one, but to welcome a new animal friend into the family.
Getting Help
Losing a pet is a traumatic event for everyone. If you could do with a little assistance in helping your child cope with the loss of a pet or need to talk to someone who understands how you feel yourself, consider contacting Blue Cross. Their Pet Bereavement Support Service is available between 08:30 and 20:30 (daily) and can be reached by telephone: 0800 096 6606, online or e-mail: pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk.